COUNSELOR: agent washington, what do you make of all this? WASH: i think it sounds exactly like what i encountered, except it's stronger now and becoming more so all the time. COUNSELOR: does that concern you? WASH: it doesn't make me excited. COUNSELOR: you've been through a lot with this program, agent washington. the epsilon ai we assigned you — WASH: [ cuts in ] has already been discussed to death. i'm over it. COUNSELOR: now your . . . physical problems because of your last encounter. WASH: i'm better now. mentally and physically. COUNSELOR: our profile of you disagrees with your assessment. WASH: look, the last mission i ran against this thing, i got shot in the back by my own partner. COUNSELOR: agent south. we feel some . . . responsibility for that. WASH: yeah, you should. if i hadn't had york's healing unit, i'd be dead now. so while this isn't ideal and i don't feel like sticking my neck out for you guys, if it puts me on a path that leads to her, you can trust me at least that far. COUNSELOR: so you would say that you have overwhelming feelings of anger, and a need for revenge? WASH: more than you know. COUNSELOR: excellent. now that our agency is under investigation, the director feels it is important for us to be as open as possible with each other. if our suspicions are correct, the meta has made another addition: the omega ai. WASH: it was omega and . . . tex, right? COUNSELOR: yes, it was. WASH: the meta doesn't leave much behind. it's gonna be hard to track. COUNSELOR: we think the best place for you to start would be the omega's last known location. the soldiers there have the most experience with our program. WASH: i see. so, i should contact these experts — COUNSELOR: we do not like the term experts. WASH: because no one really knows what our program is doing? COUNSELOR: let's just say the term expert is a little too . . . complimentary in this particular case. do you still have your old suit of armor? WASH: of course. wait, why? [ cut to wash in blood gulch ] oh, great.
WASH: hello? [ at a seemingly abandoned blue base ] hello? anybody here? [ no response; calls command ] recovery one calling command. come in, command. COMMAND: go ahead, recovery one. we have you. WASH: i'm at outpost 1-a. looks deserted. COMMAND: roger that. see if you can find any evidence that would suggest where they all might have — SISTER: [ pops out from blue base ] hey! a-hole! what's with all the noise? people are trying to sleep here! WASH: uhmm . . . scratch that, command. it appears i've found someone. recovery one out. SISTER: [ moves toward wash ] ohhh man. WASH: hi. i'm agent washington. this is blue base, correct? SISTER: it was. WASH: was? SISTER: everybody's gone. transferred. something about this base being obsolete now, or — WASH: right. where did they go? SISTER: i don't know! all different places. nobody told me anything. WASH: well, i'm trying to locate some people who have experience with the freelancer program. SISTER: freelancer? is that the band we had here last night? WASH: you had a party here? SISTER: h-yeah! i throw raves every night. charge five bucks a head. last night, i made ten bucks. ooah, ooah! nice. WASH: you use the base for raves? that doesn't seem like the proper use for official resources. SISTER: what're you, like a cop or something? WASH: no. SISTER: because if you are, and i ask you, then you have to tell me. that's totally a law or something. WASH: i'm not the police. and that's not a real law. SISTER: well, if you're not a cop, then how do you know it's not a real law? busted! WASH: you caught me. hey, is there anybody else . . . smart . . . here that i could talk to? SISTER: yeah, right. like i'm going to tell you. i don't rat people out, cop. WASH: okay, i'm gonna leave now. good luck with your empty base and your raging insanity. SISTER: yeah? whatever! good luck with being a cop, cop!
WASH: [ moves toward red base and contacts command ] come in, command. COMMAND: hello, washington. we have you. how was the investigation at blue base? WASH: enlightening. going to try the red base now. i'm hoping things there will be a little more . . . [ stops as a cardboard cutout of donut appears in front of him ] normal. SARGE: halt, in the name of the red — i mean, lightish red army. this base is operating at full capacity. and if you come in here, you're gonna get into a big, uh, uhm, slap fight! WASH: [ the heaviest of all the sighs ] i'm gonna have to call you back. [ continues advancing toward red base ] SARGE: don't come any closer, ooh la la! [ wash is stopped again by a simmons cardboard cutout ] this is your last warning! stay out! i love math! WASH: what in the? SARGE: your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass! [ wash once again continues on and is once again stopped by a grif cutout ] and this is another warning! i know the other warning was supposed to be the last, but i never listen to orders 'cause i'm too lazy and stupid! and ugly. did i mention ugly? WASH: [ walks right past ] this is gonna be a waste of time, i can tell already. SARGE: [ jumps in front of wash ] heeyah, freeze, intruder! stop your intrudin' right there! WASH: who made these things? SARGE: i did. WASH: wait, you're real? SARGE: of course i am! you fell for a classic misdirection. i still got it, heh heh. LOPEZ: [ appears at the top of red base ] ¿esta todo bien aquí? / is everything okay here? SARGE: we're fine, lopez. just caught myself a dirty blue! how many does that make this week? LOPEZ: uno. / one. SARGE: yahtzee! we're on a hot streak. WASH: uh, i'm not actually a blue. i'm from command. SARGE: command! no kiddin'? WASH: i was hoping you could tell me about the soldiers transferred out of this outpost. SARGE: you mean grif and simmons? those traitors. i told them not to go! the battle here isn't even over yet. WASH: umm . . . it looks over to me. SARGE: not while there's a single blue left in this canyon. which there is: a single blue. victory, or death. WASH: i see. SARGE: that's why i refused my relocation orders. obviously command wasn't thinking clearly. WASH: so, you're awol, then? SARGE: i, uh . . . a-what? SISTER: [ from a distance ] don't tell him anything until you talk to a lawyer! you have rights! WASH: i'm not a cop! SARGE: hey! beat it, you little tramp! you see why i can't go? WASH: why not just attack her and win, then? it would take about ten seconds. SISTER: [ in the background ] you're old and i hate you! SARGE: that's the problem, i can't attack a girl! so we're locked in an epic stalemate. WASH: you're kidding me. SARGE: plus she's cookin' somethin' up, and i gotta be ready. i hear her running training ops every night. i see them out there with their glow sticks and their tribal drum beats. Oom chika oom chika oom chika oom chika. WASH: well. this has been really . . . informative. but i need to find someone who has experience with artificial intelligence. SARGE: all right, you want caboose, then. he got infected for a little while, i think. WASH: great. caboose. do you know where he is? SARGE: of course. we intercepted the blues' orders. i got it right here. lopez! LOPEZ: sí. / yes. SARGE: get this guy the blue team relocation orders. LOPEZ: sí. / yes. SARGE: lopez probably converted it into spanish, so they might be a little hard to understand. WASH: yeah. they wouldn't be the first thing today. SISTER: shut up, cop!
MILLER: oh no! hell no! excuse me, sir, but no goddamn way! WASH: you must be lieutenant miller. MILLER: i got reds comin' out my ass here, boss, and you show up and take away one of my men for a — what did you say this was for? RANDOM BLUE: secret mission, sir! MILLER: aw, you gotta be — a what?! WASH: i think you have bigger issues than troop assignment, soldier. how about getting some of these vehicles back in working order? MILLER: what the hell do you think i'm talkin' about? this is your fault. you sent us the new guy; he said he was good with vehicles. all he does is talk to 'em. talk to 'em! what the hell is that all about? and now look at the damn things. WASH: i don't have time to discuss your problems. i have orders, and those orders say that i need private caboose and i need him now. he has information that is vital to this — MILLER: [ interrupts him ] wait a second, caboose? you're taking caboose? and i don't have to pay you or anything like that? WASH: is that a problem? MILLER: problem? heh heh, hell no! it must be christmas mornin' and no one told me. you stay right there. i'll get him for ya. private joennis? joennis? joennis! where the hell are you? JONES: sir, for the millionth time: my name is pronounced jones. jones. RANDOM BLUE: shut up, joennis! JONES: seriously, lots of people have the name! it's very common! how am i the first guy you've met called jones? MILLER: joennis, i need you to go down to the brig, untie caboose, and get him up here. JONES: me? alone? MILLER: double time, joennis! JONES: it's pronounced — ugh, nevermind. christ. [ exits to the brig ] WASH: you keep him in the brig? MILLER: we keep him tied up in the brig. i'm not taking any more chances. JONES: [ gunshot and jones screaming in the background off camera ] owwwwhow, why! CABOOSE: [ exiting the brig ] be careful! MILLER: you'll understand soon enough. CABOOSE: you wanted to see me, principal miller? MILLER: where's the guy i sent to get'cha? CABOOSE: oh, him, yeah. um. he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. um, but we don't think it was anyone's fault. everybody agrees it was an accident. MILLER: [ turns to a random blue ] jesus! would someone go check on him? [ random blue runs off ] caboose, this here is special agent washington from blue command. he has something fantastic he needs to talk to you about. CABOOSE: command? oh no. they never have good news. did somebody die? was it my mom? is she dead? or my dad, did my dad die again? oh no. WASH: [ looking at miller ] what is this? i don't — ? MILLER: heh heh, you see? he's yours now, heh. no take backs! CABOOSE: is it my brother? was my brother killed? that's it, isn't it? my brother's dead! WASH: what? n-no, nothing like that! CABOOSE: oh, good. because i don't even have a brother! h-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day. WASH: no one died! RANDOM BLUE: [ runs up to miller ] joennis is dead, sir! WASH: okay, no one besides him. CABOOSE: once again: nobody's fault. [ looks at miller ] psst! i think the new guy did it. WASH: private caboose, you were stationed at blood gulch, correct? CABOOSE: [ wistfully ] yeah . . . that was fun. WASH: and our records indicate that you were infected by an aggressive artificial intelligence program at one point, the omega ai. is that correct as well? CABOOSE: yeah . . . that wasn't as much fun. WASH: okay. well, i need you to come with me. i'm investigating a critical issue and you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me. [ long silence ] and i just realized how ridiculous that sounded once i said it out loud. nonetheless, i need you to come with me. MILLER: can i have a word with him first, sir? WASH: sure, i guess. [ miller and caboose move off to the side to talk and return a few moments later ] great. let's get going. [ starts to walk off ] CABOOSE: okay. [ follows behind him ] are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? WASH: just . . . try to stay quiet.
WASH: [ standing in front of a derelict looking fortress with caboose ] and you're sure this is where we can find this guy? CABOOSE: i think so. we all found out our new orders at the same time. he tried to hide his from me so i would not know where he was. WASH: really. i can't imagine why. CABOOSE: i said it was like a game of hide and seek, and he said that that was right! he was going to hide from me, and the only way he could win is if he dies without ever seeing me again. WASH: and he knows about freelancer as well? CABOOSE: oh yeah! he knows the most. he knows, uh, all about your ai game. he dated tex! WASH: agent texas? um . . . how could a person — [ cut off by sniper fire from behind ] CHURCH: [ in background off camera ] fuck! WASH: sniper! get down! [ ducks behind cover ] CABOOSE: [ stays where he is and stares up at the fortress ] huh? CHURCH: okay, that was your one warning shot! the next one's going right between your eyes! WASH: private caboose! get down! CABOOSE: wait a minute . . . CHURCH: all right, i warned ya! sayonara, beeyatch! [ fires at caboose and misses ] aw, come on! what the fuck! WASH: caboose! CABOOSE: i know that voice! church! church! it's me, your all time best friend! CHURCH: caboose? caboose, is that you? CABOOSE: yes, church, it's me! [ church fires off multiple shots in a row and misses every one as caboose rambles on ] i have missed you so much! it has been so long! did you miss me? CHURCH: fuck, i missed him! CABOOSE: i knew you did! CHURCH: go. away. WASH: this is your friend? CABOOSE: yeah. WASH: and he's shooting at you? [ as church continues firing at caboose in the background ] CABOOSE: well, at me and stuff around me. yeah, this is kind of like our thing. you know, he acts like he doesn't like me, but he really does. oh, and he might bring up something about me killing him, but that's only the truth. uh, it's a joke. you could play along if you want! WASH: wait, that doesn't make any sense. you did what? you killed him? CHURCH: [ appearing at the top of the fortress to talk over wash ] hey, scram! seriously. get the fuck outta here. CABOOSE: hey, church! this is agent washington! he needs to speak to you! CHURCH: agent — what, you brought a freelancer here?! what's wrong with you! WASH: open this gate. CHURCH: uh, no can do, bud! see, this is a secure facility? nobody in, nobody out? sorry! i guess you'll have to come back . . . never. WASH: oh, no. then i guess we'll have to just walk through the huge hole in your secure wall. CHURCH: fine. i'll open the fuckin' gate. [ opens the gate and lets wash and caboose in ] okay, well. sorry the place is so messy. i would've cleaned up if i'd known you guys were coming, but hey, no one called ahead. WASH: how long have you been here? CHURCH: how long? uhmm . . . what day is today? WASH: today is tuesday. CHURCH: i've been here fourteen months. WASH: what? over a year? by yourself? alone? CHURCH: yeah, it's been, um. it's been great. i mean, just . . . it's been great. really great. COMMAND: [ radio static as command calls in ] this is command calling recovery one. come in, recovery one. WASH: you are really an odd group of people. hold on. [ turns away to answer command's call ] this is agent washington. i found some blue team members that have extensive experience with omega. CHURCH: did he just say omega? CABOOSE: yeah. and some other words, too. COMMAND: excellent, agent washington. please stand by for orders . . . now that you have reassembled the blues, you should head to outpost 17-b. see what clues your team can gather there based on what they know. WASH: roger that. COMMAND: we want you to stop the meta at all costs. this is a level one directive. good luck, wash. recovery command out. WASH: recovery one out. [ hanging up and walking away while talking to the blues ] come on, let's move out. CHURCH: move out? at what point in this conversation did you think that we were buddies or something? i'm not going with you. CABOOSE: yes! you are not in our buddy club! CHURCH: shut up, caboose. and what did i tell you about that armor when we had to pick new suits? CABOOSE: you told me to upgrade. CHURCH: that's not an upgrade! this is mark vi armor, that's mark v. this is an upgrade. CABOOSE: in a top ten list, five is better than six. CHURCH: we're not a top ten list! WASH: how do you ever get anything done if all you ever do is argue with each other? CHURCH: we don't! that's part of our charm! quit fucking it up. WASH: look, i know you guys are all wrapped up in your little red versus blue battles — CABOOSE: blue versus red battles. no one says red versus blue; it sounds stupid when you say it backwards. WASH: — but this is important. actual military operations, not your fake simulation stuff. something is hunting our top agents, and i need all the help i can get to stop it. CHURCH: stop it? if it's killing freelancers i wanna start a fan club for it. build it a website. WASH: and now that the ship from your canyon is crashed, we think it's more powerful than ever. it gains new abilities every time it kills — CHURCH: wait, wait, whoa. you found tex's ship? WASH: we believe so. CHURCH: where? WASH: come with me and i'll show you. [ walking off with church and caboose on his heels ]
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RECONSTRUCTION
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE