MILLER: oh no! hell no! excuse me, sir, but no goddamn way! WASH: you must be lieutenant miller. MILLER: i got reds comin' out my ass here, boss, and you show up and take away one of my men for a — what did you say this was for? RANDOM BLUE: secret mission, sir! MILLER: aw, you gotta be — a what?! WASH: i think you have bigger issues than troop assignment, soldier. how about getting some of these vehicles back in working order? MILLER: what the hell do you think i'm talkin' about? this is your fault. you sent us the new guy; he said he was good with vehicles. all he does is talk to 'em. talk to 'em! what the hell is that all about? and now look at the damn things. WASH: i don't have time to discuss your problems. i have orders, and those orders say that i need private caboose and i need him now. he has information that is vital to this — MILLER: [ interrupts him ] wait a second, caboose? you're taking caboose? and i don't have to pay you or anything like that? WASH: is that a problem? MILLER: problem? heh heh, hell no! it must be christmas mornin' and no one told me. you stay right there. i'll get him for ya. private joennis? joennis? joennis! where the hell are you? JONES: sir, for the millionth time: my name is pronounced jones. jones. RANDOM BLUE: shut up, joennis! JONES: seriously, lots of people have the name! it's very common! how am i the first guy you've met called jones? MILLER: joennis, i need you to go down to the brig, untie caboose, and get him up here. JONES: me? alone? MILLER: double time, joennis! JONES: it's pronounced — ugh, nevermind. christ. [ exits to the brig ] WASH: you keep him in the brig? MILLER: we keep him tied up in the brig. i'm not taking any more chances. JONES: [ gunshot and jones screaming in the background off camera ] owwwwhow, why! CABOOSE: [ exiting the brig ] be careful! MILLER: you'll understand soon enough. CABOOSE: you wanted to see me, principal miller? MILLER: where's the guy i sent to get'cha? CABOOSE: oh, him, yeah. um. he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. um, but we don't think it was anyone's fault. everybody agrees it was an accident. MILLER: [ turns to a random blue ] jesus! would someone go check on him? [ random blue runs off ] caboose, this here is special agent washington from blue command. he has something fantastic he needs to talk to you about. CABOOSE: command? oh no. they never have good news. did somebody die? was it my mom? is she dead? or my dad, did my dad die again? oh no. WASH: [ looking at miller ] what is this? i don't — ? MILLER: heh heh, you see? he's yours now, heh. no take backs! CABOOSE: is it my brother? was my brother killed? that's it, isn't it? my brother's dead! WASH: what? n-no, nothing like that! CABOOSE: oh, good. because i don't even have a brother! h-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day. WASH: no one died! RANDOM BLUE: [ runs up to miller ] joennis is dead, sir! WASH: okay, no one besides him. CABOOSE: once again: nobody's fault. [ looks at miller ] psst! i think the new guy did it. WASH: private caboose, you were stationed at blood gulch, correct? CABOOSE: [ wistfully ] yeah . . . that was fun. WASH: and our records indicate that you were infected by an aggressive artificial intelligence program at one point, the omega ai. is that correct as well? CABOOSE: yeah . . . that wasn't as much fun. WASH: okay. well, i need you to come with me. i'm investigating a critical issue and you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me. [ long silence ] and i just realized how ridiculous that sounded once i said it out loud. nonetheless, i need you to come with me. MILLER: can i have a word with him first, sir? WASH: sure, i guess. [ miller and caboose move off to the side to talk and return a few moments later ] great. let's get going. [ starts to walk off ] CABOOSE: okay. [ follows behind him ] are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet? WASH: just . . . try to stay quiet.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
CHAPTER THREE