WASH: hello? [ at a seemingly abandoned blue base ] hello? anybody here? [ no response; calls command ] recovery one calling command. come in, command. COMMAND: go ahead, recovery one. we have you. WASH: i'm at outpost 1-a. looks deserted. COMMAND: roger that. see if you can find any evidence that would suggest where they all might have — SISTER: [ pops out from blue base ] hey! a-hole! what's with all the noise? people are trying to sleep here! WASH: uhmm . . . scratch that, command. it appears i've found someone. recovery one out. SISTER: [ moves toward wash ] ohhh man. WASH: hi. i'm agent washington. this is blue base, correct? SISTER: it was. WASH: was? SISTER: everybody's gone. transferred. something about this base being obsolete now, or — WASH: right. where did they go? SISTER: i don't know! all different places. nobody told me anything. WASH: well, i'm trying to locate some people who have experience with the freelancer program. SISTER: freelancer? is that the band we had here last night? WASH: you had a party here? SISTER: h-yeah! i throw raves every night. charge five bucks a head. last night, i made ten bucks. ooah, ooah! nice. WASH: you use the base for raves? that doesn't seem like the proper use for official resources. SISTER: what're you, like a cop or something? WASH: no. SISTER: because if you are, and i ask you, then you have to tell me. that's totally a law or something. WASH: i'm not the police. and that's not a real law. SISTER: well, if you're not a cop, then how do you know it's not a real law? busted! WASH: you caught me. hey, is there anybody else . . . smart . . . here that i could talk to? SISTER: yeah, right. like i'm going to tell you. i don't rat people out, cop. WASH: okay, i'm gonna leave now. good luck with your empty base and your raging insanity. SISTER: yeah? whatever! good luck with being a cop, cop!
WASH: [ moves toward red base and contacts command ] come in, command. COMMAND: hello, washington. we have you. how was the investigation at blue base? WASH: enlightening. going to try the red base now. i'm hoping things there will be a little more . . . [ stops as a cardboard cutout of donut appears in front of him ] normal. SARGE: halt, in the name of the red — i mean, lightish red army. this base is operating at full capacity. and if you come in here, you're gonna get into a big, uh, uhm, slap fight! WASH: [ the heaviest of all the sighs ] i'm gonna have to call you back. [ continues advancing toward red base ] SARGE: don't come any closer, ooh la la! [ wash is stopped again by a simmons cardboard cutout ] this is your last warning! stay out! i love math! WASH: what in the? SARGE: your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass! [ wash once again continues on and is once again stopped by a grif cutout ] and this is another warning! i know the other warning was supposed to be the last, but i never listen to orders 'cause i'm too lazy and stupid! and ugly. did i mention ugly? WASH: [ walks right past ] this is gonna be a waste of time, i can tell already. SARGE: [ jumps in front of wash ] heeyah, freeze, intruder! stop your intrudin' right there! WASH: who made these things? SARGE: i did. WASH: wait, you're real? SARGE: of course i am! you fell for a classic misdirection. i still got it, heh heh. LOPEZ: [ appears at the top of red base ] ¿esta todo bien aquí? / is everything okay here? SARGE: we're fine, lopez. just caught myself a dirty blue! how many does that make this week? LOPEZ: uno. / one. SARGE: yahtzee! we're on a hot streak. WASH: uh, i'm not actually a blue. i'm from command. SARGE: command! no kiddin'? WASH: i was hoping you could tell me about the soldiers transferred out of this outpost. SARGE: you mean grif and simmons? those traitors. i told them not to go! the battle here isn't even over yet. WASH: umm . . . it looks over to me. SARGE: not while there's a single blue left in this canyon. which there is: a single blue. victory, or death. WASH: i see. SARGE: that's why i refused my relocation orders. obviously command wasn't thinking clearly. WASH: so, you're awol, then? SARGE: i, uh . . . a-what? SISTER: [ from a distance ] don't tell him anything until you talk to a lawyer! you have rights! WASH: i'm not a cop! SARGE: hey! beat it, you little tramp! you see why i can't go? WASH: why not just attack her and win, then? it would take about ten seconds. SISTER: [ in the background ] you're old and i hate you! SARGE: that's the problem, i can't attack a girl! so we're locked in an epic stalemate. WASH: you're kidding me. SARGE: plus she's cookin' somethin' up, and i gotta be ready. i hear her running training ops every night. i see them out there with their glow sticks and their tribal drum beats. Oom chika oom chika oom chika oom chika. WASH: well. this has been really . . . informative. but i need to find someone who has experience with artificial intelligence. SARGE: all right, you want caboose, then. he got infected for a little while, i think. WASH: great. caboose. do you know where he is? SARGE: of course. we intercepted the blues' orders. i got it right here. lopez! LOPEZ: sí. / yes. SARGE: get this guy the blue team relocation orders. LOPEZ: sí. / yes. SARGE: lopez probably converted it into spanish, so they might be a little hard to understand. WASH: yeah. they wouldn't be the first thing today. SISTER: shut up, cop!
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CHAPTER TWO